Warning Signs of Suicide from the American Association of Suicidology

Click on the graphic below to access further resources. Note: the W should be “Withdrawal.”

The Bereaved Holiday Season Bill of Rights | The Grief Toolbox

The Bereaved Holiday Season Bill of Rights | The Grief Toolbox

“When Tomorrow Starts Without Me” performed by Stephen Meara-Blount

“When Families Grieve” by Sesame Street—A Special Guide for Parents and Caregivers

As part of Sesame Street’s “When Families Grieve” campaign, a guide has been developed for parents and caregivers. Just click on the picture to the right to go to the resource.

Are You Concerned About a Veteran in Your Life?

Did you know there is a Veteran’s Crisis Line? Please see the information below to learn more.

“One small act can make a big difference in the life of a Veteran or Service member in crisis. “The Power of 1,” a public service announcement from the Veterans Crisis Line, shows how taking the time to reach out can be the first step to getting those who served the support they need. A single action — one call, one chat, one text, one conversation — can have a significant impact. The Veterans Crisis Line connects Veterans or Service members in crisis, as well as their families and friends, with qualified, caring U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential, toll-free hotline, online chat, and text-messaging service. Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online at VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat, or text to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Reach out. One call can open the door to support.” (Obtained online at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSx11Kmnmrg)

Starting a Brand New Holiday Tradition

On Monday night, we had our second and final holiday seminar for 2014. I always love this particular seminar, due to the candlelighting ritual we participate in together near the end of the evening. After the candles were lit, I played Mark Schultz’ “Different Kind of Christmas,” which I have previously posted on this blog.

My first point in the seminar was for participants to consider starting a new holiday tradition this year. For instance, if your loved one was a runner, possibly begin a family (or more widespread) run/walk in his/her memory. Maybe your loved one was an avid football enthusiastic, and the family members could begin a tradition of a “friendly” flag football game. If she was a teacher, you might establish a scholarship fund in her memory, and assist future aspiring teachers in obtaining the necessary education. What about your loved one? What did he/she love? How might you incorporate their passion into a new holiday tradition, either for you personally or for your family collectively?

If you have any questions or need any assistance during this holiday season, please don’t hesitate to call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or e-mail me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com.

My3 App: A Suicide Prevention Tool for the App Generation

I was looking over the blog moments ago and noticed one of the suicide prevention graphics did not make it up on the blog. I apologize for that. However, in the midst of trying to find the graphic on the web so that I could repost, I came across an amazing tool, the My3 App.

Please see this information from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website:

“The MY3 app lets you stay connected when you're struggling with tough emotions or having thoughts of suicide.

With MY3, you define your network and your plan to stay safe, so you can be prepared to help yourself and reach out to others when you are having thoughts of suicide.

Remember: there is hope and a life to look forward to, even in your darkest moments.

MY3 can help you get through your most difficult times.

Who are your 3? Is it your sister? Your therapist? Maybe even a neighbor down the street? Download MY3 to make sure that your 3 are there to help you when you need them most.

MY3 is available in the Apple App Store and Google Play, free of charge.” (Obtained online at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/my3-app.aspx)

Santa Without Fighting the Crowds

Each year in our building’s Atrium (824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA) we offer an opportunity for our St. Joseph Hospice families and the community to visit with and take pictures with Santa in a low traffic, less hustle and bustle environment than a mall would be. We know this time of year can be especially stressful on our bereaved and providing a way to eliminate a bit of that stress is something we are thankful we can do. Please note that if you are going to bring a child, please bring a wrapped gift for Santa to give to the child. We will have light refreshments provided for all who attend. If you have any questions, please feel free to call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or e-mail me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com. The opportunity to see Santa usually runs from 3:30pm-4:30pm.

“Handling the Holidays” By Therese Rando, Ph.D.

Link to “Handling the Holidays” By Therese Rando, Ph.D.

“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey

I believe many of you will be touched by Danny Gokey’s willingness to write and then sing out of the pain of the death of his young wife. May you “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.”

“A Different Kind of Christmas This Year” by Mark Schultz

I am seriously considering using this song in next week’s holiday seminar and have been tempted to hold it until then, but some things are just too good not to share ASAP. On my way to lunch today, I heard “A Different Kind of Christmas This Year” by Mark Schultz for the first time, and I just sat in the car, overwhelmed by the words. When I returned to the office, I pulled up the video and listened from the beginning, and I was again overwhelmed by the words.

Mark Schultz is a master story teller in song, with such heart-touching songs as “Letters from War,” “Walking Her Home” (I always said it was “The Notebook” set to music—I obviously wasn’t the only one with that idea) and “He’s My Son,” all works of art. Yet, this new song may top them all when it comes to encouraging others. If you would like to read the lyrics, you can access them here. I would love to hear from some of you after you have viewed the video. You can leave comments below.

Social Events for Wednesday, December 17, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, December 17, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, December 17, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

“In the U.S., Every 13.7 minutes Someone Dies by Suicide…”

6th Annual Thanksgiving Day Event Recap

Thanksgiving Day is one of those American calendar reminders during the year, a specific day set aside to express gratitude. Our 2014 Thanksgiving Day “family” took our opportunity to share the blessings in our lives for which we are most grateful. I am thankful for my “Thanksgiving Day 2014 family.”

I continue to be thankful for the support of our St. Joseph Hospice family each year as we put together this annual event. We will plan to continue this tradition next November 26 from 1pm-3pm in our building’s conference room (824 Elmwood Park Blvd. Room 140, NOLA) with our 7th Annual Thanksgiving Day event.

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, December 8: “Honoring the Memory of Your Loved One During the Holidays”

Do you find yourself dreading this holiday season? So many bereaved express concerns about this particular time of year and how they are going to “deal” with the changes of not having their loved one with them. This seminar will give you many ideas for ways to honor your loved one’s memory during this holiday season. You will also benefit from being in the midst of others who are dealing with many of the same questions and concerns.

When?—December 8 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

"You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban--Don't Give Up!!!

A visitor to this blog may wonder, "Why do I see so many entries related to suicide?" Well, that is a good point, considering this is primarily a blog spot for hospice bereaved. As I was pondering that question myself last week, I heard of the tragic suicide of the teenage son of a college classmate. At that moment, I knew exactly why there needs to be a good dose of encouragement on this blog for those who may be feeling hopeless.

I truly hope this post does not hit home for most who read it, but just by the number of people who are visiting this site, percentages would show there has to be at least one of you who is, at the least, feeling hopeless right now, and at the most, contemplating ending your life. Others of you may not struggle in this manner, and for that I am very thankful. However, we may each run across someone who needs encouragement to keep going forward.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

The “Why?” Which Follows Suicide

Per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2011, someone in this country died of suicide every 13.3 minutes. With each of those suicides, there were many loved ones left behind asking the question “Why?” A few years back, the music group Rascal Flatts used their platform to attempt to address this issue. As a result of the song and video, some lives have been saved and others encouraged. Please feel free to share with others, and note the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline information above. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help, so that you do not leave behind those you love to wonder “why?”

Rascal Flatts - Why - Every 40 Seconds Someone Asks ... Why?

“When Families Grieve” from Sesame Street

Sesame Street has provided a set of resources entitled “When Families Grieve,” which deals with military and non-military deaths and how these deaths affect families. Click on the “When Families Grieve” logo above to see the video and access the resources.

“Letter From Heaven” by Tim Shetler (Original Song) Video

Social Event for Thursday, November 20, 2014

On Thursday, November 20, 2014, St. Joseph Hospice will host our “Haven of Hope” social event for the adult children of our St. Joseph Hospice patients. You are invited to attend this bi-monthly event, designed specifically to create a connection between the adult children of our St. Joseph Hospice patients. This is a social group, and NOT a support group, although you should feel a sense of support as a result of the social interaction.

For each meeting, we will provide a light meal (i.e., finger sandwiches w/dessert and coffee/tea/water). No registration needed.

For more information, please call Kim at (504) 734-0140 or contact via e-mail at ksmith@sjosephhospice.com.

TIME: 6pm-7:30pm

LOCATION:

St. Joseph Hospice & Palliative Care

824 Elmwood Park Blvd. 
Room 140 [LCCU Conference Room]

New Orleans, LA 70123

Social Events on Wednesday, November 19, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, November 19, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, November 19, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, November 10: “Handling the Holidays”

Each year we receive more questions about how to deal with the holidays than about any other topic. As a result, we have devoted 2 monthly seminars to that topic. Have you seen specific dates coming on the upcoming calendar and cringed? Are you planning to “escape” the holidays? Please attend either one or both of these seminars and consider “attacking the holidays” instead of allowing them to “attack you.”

When?—November 10 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

“..Trying to Make Up Their Minds Whether They’ll ‘Say Something About It’…”

I ran across this quote just now, and I thought it was definitely worth sharing:

“I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll 'say something about it' or not. I hate if they do, and if they don't.”― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 

I’m guessing each of us understand this quote, both from the point of view of a griever, as well as from the point of view of one in the life of a griever.

Even though in my “day job” I deal with those who are grieving on a daily basis, I still struggle when it comes to how to deal with someone who is grieving, especially when this is someone I see day in and day out. There is the tug of war inside between wanting the person to know I remember and I care and not wanting to bring up the subject of her loved one in a setting or in a time she doesn’t want to talk but would rather stay focused on tasks.

I also remember being the person who was grieving. During that particular season of time, I worked in a school district where each staff member knew me and of my loss. I could see the wheels turning in the minds of those around me, trying as best they could to balance concern with allowing me to focus on the tasks of my job. Most of the time, I was hoping they would not bring up the subject of my loss, but then there were moments I wished someone would let me know he cared.

What a challenge it is to be a griever and also one who wants to support a griever! May we be patient with each other and realize there is no road map for grief and no road map on how best to support one another in grief. I think the best we can hope for is to care for each, follow our instincts, and forgive ourselves and each other when we miss the mark on a given day.

Other than the C. S. Lewis quote, Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

“Grief Reactions: Guilt” by Dr. Kenneth Doka

Grief reactions: Guilt from Canadian Virtual Hospice on Vimeo.

How Do You Heal a Broken Heart?—Let Love Leak Out Through All The Cracks

When I saw this quote, it struck me: “The secret way to heal a broken heart is to let love leak out like an ocean through all the cracks” (annvoskamp.com). Although I have taught this same principle for years, I just had never heard it put into words in this manner.
As I have worked with grievers over the years, I have seen them focus mainly on allowing love to leak in through all the cracks. They so crave love to fill the cavern left behind their loved one’s absence. I have seen many engage in unhealthy relationships as a result of trying to fill the void by inviting another into their life.
Please don’t get me wrong—when we are grieving, we do need love pouring in through the broken places, and I am thankful for each and every person who has chosen to pour into those who are hurting. However, the healing of a broken heart does not only come from the receiving of love but also through the pouring out of love. I am reminded I challenged the December 2013 seminar participants to do just that. Instead of focusing solely on protecting their heart during the holiday season, why not look outside of themselves for others who needed love and attention and reach out to them? I used Mandisa’s song “Somebody’s Angel” as a bit of musical inspiration to remind them of the difference they can make in the lives of others.
I don’t know your particular circumstances, but no matter what your place in life, you can still reach out and change the life of another. Why not begin this week to look for an opportunity to pour love into the life of another? If you do, I would love to have you share your story with our other blog readers. Your story of “love pouring out” might inspire another and then another and then another….

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”

There are many who have moments during their grief journey where they think, “What is the use anyway?” or “I would just rather be with my loved one.” Over the years, I have had those type of comments said to me at times. Rarely has anyone said them, and they were seriously considering taking their own life. However, many of us feel so low as we miss our loved one that we deal with thoughts which we would never even consider at any other point in our lives.
If you are considering taking your own life, please reach out for help immediately. If, however, you are just in a low place and having a tough time “being here,” I have posted this song by Josh Groban as a form of encouragement. No matter what DON’T GIVE UP!

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

“Surviving the Holidays” by GriefShare

Soon, we at St. Joseph Hospice will be conducting our annual holiday seminar mini-series (Mon., Nov. 10, 6-7pm, “Handling the Holidays” and Mon., Dec. 8, 6-7pm, “Honoring the Memory of Your Loved One During the Holidays”), and if you are reading this blog, you are cordially invited to attend either or both. However, I also wanted to provide information about a bit more extensive seminar in our area. GriefShare, the Christian grief site which we have highlighted previously, conducts a 3-hour “Surviving the Holidays” event at multiple locations each year, below is the contact information for the one closest to New Orleans:

Northshore Church
310 Kensington Blvd
Slidell, LA
985-726-6178

Saturday, November 08, 2014
1:00 pm - 4:00 pm

Saturday, December 13, 2014
1:00 pm - 4:00 pm

You can follow the “Surviving the Holidays” link to read some of their featured articles.

“Dealing with Grief: Personal Pathways” by Dr. Kenneth Doka

Dealing with grief: Personal pathways from Canadian Virtual Hospice on Vimeo.

Making Teddy Bears Out of Your Loved One’s Clothing

As part of our October “Cherishing the Memories” seminar, I always talk about our “teddy bears.” There are many creative avenues for cherishing the memories of your loved one, and one which we have found to be especially effective is to use articles of your loved one’s clothing in the stitching together of teddy bears. The teddy bear pictures you see are of actual bears created for our patients’ children, using items of the patients’ clothing.

If you are a seamstress or know of someone who is and would like to use this idea, the Simplicity pattern you will need to buy will be 5461. Here are tutorials for how to assemble the head and the body sections and to complete the project.

If you are like me and would be at a total loss as to how to create one of these adorable bears, we have a volunteer who is willing to do the crafting for you. All you have to do is contact me (Kim) either via phone 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com and we will set up a time for you to drop off the articles of clothing, so that our volunteer can get started.

“But Not to Brothers and Sisters…We Live Outside the Touch of Time”

Thanks to one of our bereaved for sharing this beautiful quote with me, so that I could share it with you. Sentiments like this one help explain why sibling grief can be so complicated and more difficult than the outside world imagines. If this area is a challenging one for you, you might want to check out this resource provided by Compassionate Friends entitled “Adults Grieving the Death of a Sibling.” If you need any assistance, please feel free to call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or write me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com.

“How Long Will Grief Last” Living with Loss with Dr. Kenneth Doka

How Long Will Grief Last? Living With Loss from Canadian Virtual Hospice on Vimeo.

Cherishing the Memories: Making a Men’s Button-Down Shirt into a Keepsake Apron

A few months ago, I was blessed to receive a gift from one of our bereaved. She had taken one of her husband’s button-down shirts and turned it into an apron. What a wonderful idea!

Last evening when we were discussing the many ways we can “cherish the memories” of our loved ones, the apron project was mentioned, and I am in the process of adding the information to next year’s presentation. Yet, I surely didn’t want to wait a year to share this information, especially since many of you are looking for unique gifts for the upcoming holidays. What a thoughtful gift one of these aprons might make for your loved ones.

To the right you will see the apron which was presented to me and below is a video tutorial on the step by step process of turning the shirt into an apron.

Social Events for October 15, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, October 15, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, October 15, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

“In My Heart”

For our 2006 Memorial Service, I felt inspired to write a poem entitled “In My Heart.” I am going to share that poem with our blog world today, with a question for you to ponder as you read it: Who lives on in your heart?

IN MY HEART

In my heart he believes in me as no one has or will.

In my heart he listens to my cries and holds me still.

In my heart he whispers when I’m scared, “It will be okay.”

In my heart he waits for me in our old familiar spot each day.

 

In my heart she cheers me on when I’m ready to give up.

In my heart she gives me strength for the battles to come.

In my heart she is proud of the person I’ve become.

In my heart she forgives me for all the wrong I’ve done.

 

In my heart we walk side by side just soaking up the view.

In my heart we dance to an old familiar tune.

In my heart we talk and laugh for hours without end.

In my heart we are together forever…and ever..Amen. (KAS)

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

The “Death with Dignity” Debate Continues

Every few years, a story hits the mainstream media which brings the “Death with Dignity” debate back to forefront. Such a story surfaced this week with the choice of Brittany Maynard, a 29-year-old young lady with terminal brain cancer. Per her story from cnn.com, Brittany stated: “I quickly decided that death with dignity was the best option for me and my family.” In Brittany’s mind, “death with dignity” meant Oregon’s “legal” assisted suicide. Please read her complete story at http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/07/opinion/maynard-assisted-suicide-cancer-dignity/index.html before you continue reading.

Another portion of the article stood out to me: “I considered passing away in hospice care at my San Francisco Bay-area home. But even with palliative medication, I could develop potentially morphine-resistant pain and suffer personality changes and verbal, cognitive and motor loss of virtually any kind. Because the rest of my body is young and healthy, I am likely to physically hang on for a long time even though cancer is eating my mind. I probably would have suffered in hospice care for weeks or even months. And my family would have had to watch that.” My immediate thought is that her family would then have the opportunity to share the journey together and relish the moments of caring for the one they love.

I am not the only one who has felt moved to respond to this article, and I would like to share a response you may not see on CNN or any other mainstream media outlet, but it is one worth sharing. It is a response from someone else who is battling a terminal diagnosis herself but has chosen a different path. Here is Kara Tippett’s letter to Brittany: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/10/dear-brittany-why-we-dont-have-to-be-so-afraid-of-dying-suffering-that-we-choose-suicide/

The “Death with Dignity” debate will continue and choices regarding hospice care for loved ones are made every day. If you would like to explore further some of the advantages of hospice care for your loved one or so that you might better understand what hospice offers, please watch the “Hospice- Something More” 15-minute video at http://hospicefoundation.org/End-of-Life-Support-and-Resources/Coping-with-Terminal-Illness/Hospice-Services .

“They Didn’t Forget They Died” (Perinatal Grief)

Until I found this excellent quote, I had never heard of “UnspokenGrief.com.” I decided to check it out, and I belief it is a resource worth investigating. Here is the mission statement for the organization: “to build and support a community of individuals and families who have been touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss. Working together to remove the stigma of perinatal grief by sharing our stories and increasing awareness of the lasting effects of perinatal loss.” (www.unspokengrief.com)

Although the sentiment below was written specifically about the death of a child, I believe it can be applied to how we deal with others who are dealing with the death of anyone they love. My favorite line is this: “What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived.” What an excellent reminder for all of us of the importance of remembering and speaking about those so loved and missed.

“Coping with the Aftermath of Suicide” by Drs. Doug & BJ Benson (Video from The Compassionate Friends)

 

Link to “The 8 Worst Things You Can Say to Someone Who Is Grieving” by Christy Heitger-Ewing

So many times over the years, I have had our bereaved comment about the “stupid things” people have said to them after the death of their loved one. When I happened upon this article, I just had to share:

The 8 Worst Things You Can Say to Someone Who Is Grieving by Christy Heitger-Ewing

The first 7 of them, I totally understand the reason they made the list. However, I have to admit I have said the 8th one many times, and I honestly am not sure exactly why it is on the list. If you have any insight as to why this might be considered offensive to someone, I would love to read your comments. You can either post them on this blog entry or you can e-mail me at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

“The Little Angel’s Foundation”

Sometimes you come across a story which just has to be shared. The story in the YouTube story below is one of those. After you have watched the information about “The Little Angel’s Foundation,” please continue reading.

I chose to post this information for two reasons. First, I want to get the word out about this option for parents who’ve had children die. I am blown away by the generosity of this carpenter and the ministry he has. Please help me in spreading the word to those who might have need of this service or know of those who do. Secondly, I think this story could be an inspiration for some of our bereaved who are struggling with a sense of purpose after a loved one’s dies. As you have heard from this carpenter, he struggled to find his purpose for many years. Isn’t it amazing to see what happened when his desire to make a difference and his passion for helping others was partnered with his God-given talent for carpentry which was matched with a need in the lives of grieving parents?

What about you? For what do you have a passion? What are your God-given talents? If your passion was matched with your talents, how could you make a difference? If you would like some assistance in thinking through your purpose, please call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

“Reach Out-Preventing Teen Suicide” by the Mayo Clinic

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, October 13: “Cherishing Your Memories”

When you think of your loved one, what comes to mind—a special vacation, your wedding day, the day she was born, his graduation day, Mardi Gras parades, picnics by the lakefront…? We are going to discuss the importance of cherishing those memories and some practical suggestions of how that can be done. Please be thinking about some special memories as you prepare to come to this seminar.

When?—October 13 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

“How Grief Makes You Sick in Old Age”---What Do You Think?

Recently, I came across this most interesting article from Time magazine: “How Grief Makes You Sick in Old Age.” Just wondering what you might think of their findings. If you would like to share, please comment below.

Camp Erin—FREE Grief Camps for Children

Last week I was introduced to a nationwide organization called The Moyer Foundation. Part of their mission is to provide FREE grief camps for children. They have locations across the nation, and they expect to begin a camp in the Southeast LA area within the next couple of years. If you have an interest in this camp and their mission, you can find information and videos at this link:

Webinar: “How Do I Know If It's Grief or Depression” by Dr. Gloria Horsley, Dr. Heidi Horsley & Dr. Howard Winokuer

Dr Gloria and Dr Heidi welcome Howard R. Winokuer. Howard R. Winokuer, PhD, LPC, NCC, FT, is the co founder of TO LIFE, a not-for-profit educational and counseling organization that specializes in issues dealing with grief and loss. He has worked with thousands of people suffering from grief. He has conducted workshops and seminars throughout the United States, as well as in nine foreign countries. He has written and published extensively. Brought to you by The Open to Hope Foundation.

Just What Is A “Pupusa?”

Let’s go to Wikipedia for a little information about our yummy Haven of Hope meal for our September meeting.

“A pupusa (Spanish pronunciation: [puˈpusa], from Pipil pupusaw) is a traditional Salvadoran dish made of a thick, handmade corn tortilla (made using masa de maíz, a cornmealdough used in Latin American cuisine) that is usually filled with a blend of the following:

• cheese (queso) (usually a soft cheese called Quesillo found throughout Central America)
• cooked pork meat ground to a paste consistency (called chicharrón, not to be confused with fried pork rind, which is also known as chicharrón in some other countries)
• refried beans (frijoles refritos), or queso con loroco (loroco is a vine flower bud from Central America).” (Obtained 9/19/14 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pupusa)

Our group members enjoyed this unique treat which was provided by one of the group participants. They also enjoyed the chance to get together and share with others who have experienced a loss similar to their own, that being the death of one or both parents.

If you are an adult child or grandchild and would like the opportunity to share with others who are walking a similar journey, please come join us for our November 20th meeting (6-7:30pm at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA in the SJH Bereavement Office). If you have any questions or need to directions, please feel free to call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or e-mail me at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

(Sidenote: Two group participants plan to bring pizza and sausage rolls from the well-loved Mo’s Pizza in Westwego for the November meeting. Trust me, you will not go home hungry. )

“How can I benefit from the bereavement services?”

Recently I asked one of my Heart2Heart Connections’ participants to write about her experience in the group. Part of her writing will appear in the next newsletter, but I wanted to post the letter in its entirety, because I feel it might be helpful for those who may be contemplating participating in one of our groups and haven’t yet take the step out. Thanks Mrs. Anna for writing this.

“With Bay’s illness, death, arrangements and personal things to take care of, I was in a daze. I thought I could handle grief, but I was wrong. Since he died close to the holidays, I did not want to ruin my family or friends’ holidays. After the first of the year, grief seemed to smother me. All I did was cry. Finally, my daughter told me to call Kim, who had given her the information if we needed someone to talk to. Yes, my family and friends were there for me and I thank God for them, but I needed something else. When I called Kim, she told me the options that St. Joseph offered. I chose this session and believe me, I was glad to share with all who were and still are in this group. I know that everyone needs somebody to help them. With Kim guiding us, we have learned to share with one another our grief. Some members have gotten their feathers (as Kim says) and left us with the knowledge that one day that will be us. Yes, I still have bad days. Today would have been our 38th anniversary (9/15/14). Sadness and tears can come at a song we shared, a feeling I get over something we shared, but then peace comes over me. I am thankful for these memories, and I take it as a sign from Bay that he is no longer suffering and is watching over me. I know some people wonder if we will ever get over our grief. I found this poem and would like to share: THE REALITY IS THAT YOU WILL GRIEVE FOREVER, YOU WILL NOT “GET OVER IT,” YOU WILL LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT. YOU WILL HEAL AND REBUILD YOURSELF AROUND YOUR LOSS. YOU WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN, BUT NEVER THE SAME, NOR WOULD YOU WANT TO BE. I feel this is what your loved one would want for us. So to Kim, St. Joseph Hospice and to all who have shared their grief with me and listened to mine, I thank you and God bless you. This is to Bay: “SOMETIMES THE GREATEST COMFORT IS TO BE WRAPPED SECURELY IN MEMORIES OF YOU BAY. LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU. YOUR OLD LADY.” Kim, my feathers are nubs. I still need this group. Thanks for the help, Anna.

In my opinion, this describes what St. Joseph Hospice and Kim offers us:

WHEN A PROBLEM CANNOT BE FIXED BY MONEY, TIME OR EFFORT. THEN HOLD A HAND AND LISTEN TO THE WORDS OF A BROKEN HEART.

THANKS KIM.

by Anna Ford

“Please Just Sit Here With Me…”

Sometimes it is difficult to figure out just how to support a loved one who is experiencing grief. You would really just like someone to tell you exactly what they need from you. This little poem does just that. The writer is honest with the intended audience, letting the reader know, not only what she needs, but what she doesn’t need.
Is there someone in your life who wants to support you but seems confused as to how best to do that? How about you do just as the writer of the poem and let her know what you need and what you don’t need? An example would be: “When I am talking about my pain, I need you just to listen. I don’t need you to ‘fix it’ or to think that you need to take the pain away. I just want you to acknowledge what I am telling you and accept me where I am.”
If you need assistance in figuring out just how to have a conversation with someone in your support network, please don’t hesitate to call or e-mail me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

Copyright (Except Graphic) © 2014 by Kim Smith

A New Chapter Begins

Yesterday, the office of St. Joseph Hospice changed locations. Although we only moved down the hallway, from Ste 155 to 145, it has still brought about many grief responses. As we have been contemplating this move for the last month, I personally have experienced what many have termed “anticipatory grief,” as I have reminisced about the broad range of experiences which have happened in that space, thought about the move itself and the challenges presented, and looked into the future, trying to imagine future events in our new space. Many of you who are reading this blog can probably relate to those anticipatory grief responses, since you may have experienced similar reactions while your loved one was ill.

You may remember, anticipatory grief has a 3-part time focus: past, present, and future.

¨ PAST: Reminiscing about all the activities your loved one was able to participate in before (i.e., coaching baseball, singing in the choir) that your loved one will no longer be able to do.

¨ PRESENT: Dealing with the day-to-day losses as they may occur (i.e., loss of independence, relationships, identity), with the knowledge that these losses are often irreversible.

¨ FUTURE: Sadness at the thought of future activities (i.e., wedding, graduation) in which your loved one will not be able to participate.

For our St. Joseph Hospice staff, as may be with you, the anticipatory grief is behind us, but there is still much grief to process. During the days, weeks and months ahead, we will look back and remember. Yet, at the same time, we will  look ahead and dream of what the next chapter may hold. What might your next chapter hold?

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.

“Tears Fall Because the Heart Can No Longer Handle the Pain.”

I don’t know about you, but I am surely thankful for the ability to cry. When I ran across this quote a few weeks ago, I was reminded of just how thankful. I think about my own life and the many times I have felt so emotionally full I felt as though I would implode. In those moments, I longed for some sort of relief. Sometimes the relief came without any prompting by me, when I ran across something or someone which gently (or not so gently) pricked my heart, and the tears began to flow, and sometimes to pour out in buckets. Other times, I felt as though I was emotionally plugged up and there seemed to be no relief in sight. In those times, I have learned to “prime the pump” by using something such as a movie which stirs me emotionally to bring about a release. When the flow begins, I have found the tears continue to flow until the pressure inside is released.

If you are in a place where you feel as though your “heart can no longer handle the pain,” and yet the tears seemed to be stuck inside you, consider pulling out emotionally emotive items, either ones which specifically remind you of your loved one or something which is generically emotive (“The Way We Were” always does it for me). If you need further assistance, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me (stjosephnober@yahoo.com) or call me (504-734-0140).

Graphic separate source, Writing Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.

Misconception: “After Someone You Love Dies, The Goal Should Be to ‘Get Over’ Your Grief As Soon As Possible.”

Our August seminar topic deals with some of the many misconceptions bereaved have encountered regarding the grief process. The step graphic reminded me of one of those misconceptions. One of the frequent questions we receive is "how long is 'this' going to take?" We live in what some term a "microwave society." We want what we want, and we want it yesterday. Our days are so focused on how much we can get done and how fast we can do it all. Speed is our goal.
No wonder we run across a grief misconception based upon this same philosophy: "After someone you love dies, the goal should be to 'get over' your grief as soon as possible." Have you ever watched a track meet, possibly during the Olympics? If you have, you know there is a world of difference between the 100 meter dash (a sprint event), and a marathon (26.2 mile run). Well, grief is not a sprint, although many want it to be. It seems that the philosophy of many is: "I will run really fast and really hard for a short amount of time, and 'it' will be over." That may work in a 100 meter dash but grief experienced after the death of a loved one does not work that way. Grief is much more like a marathon. In order to work through your grief, you will have to be persistent, realizing some steps will be tougher than others. Just like a marathon, you may feel at times you have "hit a wall." Instead of a wall of physical exhaustion, this wall may be more of the emotional kind. You may have a day when you say, "These emotions are so overwhelming. I just can't do this." And yet, you can and you will. You will press through the emotional "wall," and you will continue on your grief journey. So take it, “One Step at a Time, One Day at a Time, One Hour at a Time.”

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Social Event for Thursday, September 18, 2014

On Thursday, September 18, 2014, St. Joseph Hospice will host our “Haven of Hope” social event for the adult children of our St. Joseph Hospice patients. You are invited to attend this bi-monthly event, designed specifically to create a connection between the adult children of our St. Joseph Hospice patients. This is a social group, and NOT a support group, although you should feel a sense of support as a result of the social interaction.

For each meeting, we will provide a light meal (i.e., finger sandwiches w/dessert and coffee/tea/water). No registration needed.

For more information, please call Kim at (504) 734-0140 or contact via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

TIME: 6pm-7:30pm

LOCATION:

St. Joseph Hospice & Palliative Care

824 Elmwood Park Blvd. Ste. 145

New Orleans, LA 70123

“Staying Healthy through Your Grief” by Coralease C. Ruff, RN, PhD (Webinar by The Compassionate Friends)

Social Events for September 17, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, September 17, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, September 17, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, September 8: “Complicated Mourning”

This seminar has been designed to address the topic of complicated mourning. What are the factors predictive of complicated mourning? Is there anything you can do to keep mourning from becoming “complicated?” If so, what might that be? How do you determine whether what you are experiencing is a normal part of the grief process or something that might need some therapeutic intervention.

When?—September 8 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

“I’m Afraid to Say His Name….”

Although the writing from Ms. Edwards is specifically about a child, I often hear this same sentiment, no matter what the positional relationship might be with the loved one. I have no idea just how many times I have heard one of our bereaved explain how it seems everyone in their life has forgotten their loved one, because no one mentions his name anymore. I have reminded many of them it may not be their loved one has been forgotten at all, but it is more likely those around them try not to say his name, because they are afraid they will “upset” them. Even though I do what I do for a living and should know better, I still have the same anxiety when it comes to those in my personal life. I try to be intentional about overcoming the anxiety and speaking the name, but it takes the intentional effort.
So, if you have noticed a tendency by those around you not to use your loved one’s name, then why don’t you be more intentional about bringing his name up in a conversation, and see how others respond? Every situation is unique, but in many cases, you will see a look of relief on the faces of others when they realize it is “okay” to talk about him in front of you.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.

How Do You Handle Unsolicited “You Shoulds”?

Each February I present a seminar on the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights,” based on the work of Dr. Alan Wolfelt. The first of those is: “You have the right to experience your own unique grief.” The graphic to the left reminded me of that right. I often hear our bereaved talk about the unsolicited advice they receive from others, including friends, family and strangers.
Let’s see if any of these “You Shoulds” sound familiar to you:

• “You should stay busy.”
• “You should put away all of his pictures.”
• “You should get away for the holidays.”
• “You should start dating.”
• “You shouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t want you to cry.”
• “You should ‘get over it’ and ‘get on with your life.’”
• “You should avoid all the places which remind you of him.”
• “You should never be alone.”

If that list is not enough to stimulate your mind, how about the most unspoken but clearly communicated “You Should”: “You should hand the keys of your life over to me and let me be in charged.” Rarely, if ever, would anyone say that sentence out loud, but how often have you felt as though that was the implied meaning of the “You Should” statements.
How about we replace all of those “You Shoulds” with the one and only “You Should” that really works: “You should take care of yourself.” Only you know your heart and the pain contained within. As a result, only you know the next step on your grief journey, and the pace you need to travel. This does not mean you have to walk your grief journey all alone, but you do need to be selective as to those you allow to walk beside you.
In my office, I have wallet-size cards of the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” Just zip me an e-mail (stjosephnober@yahoo.com) with your request and your mailing address, and I will send you a copy.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.

“Teen Suicide Prevention” Video by the Mayo Clinic

“Dancing with the Angels” by Monk & Neagle

Someone at random today told me about this beautiful song. How have I never heard of it before? I was so touched by it, I have chosen to post immediately. Hope it might uplift someone today.

“Coping with Guilt During Bereavement” by Bob Baugher, PhD (Video by The Compassionate Friends)

Social Events for August 20, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, August 20, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, August 20, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

Have You Been Touched By Suicide? As a Result, Would You Want to Make a Difference in the Lives of Others?

I remember my introduction to the idea of suicide. I was a child and my sweet, senior adult neighbor committed suicide. I was so confused, asking many of the “why?” questions others ask. One of the struggles those left behind deal with is the sense of sheer helplessness. Yet, some of taken their helplessness and turned it around to provide help for others. The “Out of the Darkness” Community Walks are sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Please click on the graphic above to learn more about this noble endeavor and how you might be a part. The New Orleans’ area walk with take place on Sept. 13 at Audubon Park (Shelter #10/Newman Bandstand).

“Whenever You Remember”

As I was searching the internet for songs about siblings, I came across a song that not only can apply to siblings but also to a multitude of other relationships, “Whenever You Remember” by Carrie Underwood. If you have been reading this blog for any time at all, you have noticed that I believe strongly in the healing power of music. This is one of those songs which is very uplifting from a musical standpoint, but if you are missing someone, you may find your eyes “leaking” as the memories flood your mind. Let ‘em flow, “whenever you remember.”

“Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember.”

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, August 11: “’Nobody Can Help You With Your Grief’ & Other Misconceptions”

This seminar has been designed to dispel some of the common misconceptions of grief. By now you have probably encountered quite a few of them, such as “Tears of grief are only a sign of weakness;” “Being upset and openly mourning means you are ‘weak’ in your faith;” “You should try not to think about the person who died on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays,” and (my personal favorite) “After someone you love dies, the goal should be to ‘get over’ your grief as soon as possible.”

When?—November 11 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.