Upcoming Seminar on Monday, November 10: “Handling the Holidays”

Each year we receive more questions about how to deal with the holidays than about any other topic. As a result, we have devoted 2 monthly seminars to that topic. Have you seen specific dates coming on the upcoming calendar and cringed? Are you planning to “escape” the holidays? Please attend either one or both of these seminars and consider “attacking the holidays” instead of allowing them to “attack you.”

When?—November 10 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

“..Trying to Make Up Their Minds Whether They’ll ‘Say Something About It’…”

I ran across this quote just now, and I thought it was definitely worth sharing:

“I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll 'say something about it' or not. I hate if they do, and if they don't.”― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 

I’m guessing each of us understand this quote, both from the point of view of a griever, as well as from the point of view of one in the life of a griever.

Even though in my “day job” I deal with those who are grieving on a daily basis, I still struggle when it comes to how to deal with someone who is grieving, especially when this is someone I see day in and day out. There is the tug of war inside between wanting the person to know I remember and I care and not wanting to bring up the subject of her loved one in a setting or in a time she doesn’t want to talk but would rather stay focused on tasks.

I also remember being the person who was grieving. During that particular season of time, I worked in a school district where each staff member knew me and of my loss. I could see the wheels turning in the minds of those around me, trying as best they could to balance concern with allowing me to focus on the tasks of my job. Most of the time, I was hoping they would not bring up the subject of my loss, but then there were moments I wished someone would let me know he cared.

What a challenge it is to be a griever and also one who wants to support a griever! May we be patient with each other and realize there is no road map for grief and no road map on how best to support one another in grief. I think the best we can hope for is to care for each, follow our instincts, and forgive ourselves and each other when we miss the mark on a given day.

Other than the C. S. Lewis quote, Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

“Grief Reactions: Guilt” by Dr. Kenneth Doka

Grief reactions: Guilt from Canadian Virtual Hospice on Vimeo.

How Do You Heal a Broken Heart?—Let Love Leak Out Through All The Cracks

When I saw this quote, it struck me: “The secret way to heal a broken heart is to let love leak out like an ocean through all the cracks” (annvoskamp.com). Although I have taught this same principle for years, I just had never heard it put into words in this manner.
As I have worked with grievers over the years, I have seen them focus mainly on allowing love to leak in through all the cracks. They so crave love to fill the cavern left behind their loved one’s absence. I have seen many engage in unhealthy relationships as a result of trying to fill the void by inviting another into their life.
Please don’t get me wrong—when we are grieving, we do need love pouring in through the broken places, and I am thankful for each and every person who has chosen to pour into those who are hurting. However, the healing of a broken heart does not only come from the receiving of love but also through the pouring out of love. I am reminded I challenged the December 2013 seminar participants to do just that. Instead of focusing solely on protecting their heart during the holiday season, why not look outside of themselves for others who needed love and attention and reach out to them? I used Mandisa’s song “Somebody’s Angel” as a bit of musical inspiration to remind them of the difference they can make in the lives of others.
I don’t know your particular circumstances, but no matter what your place in life, you can still reach out and change the life of another. Why not begin this week to look for an opportunity to pour love into the life of another? If you do, I would love to have you share your story with our other blog readers. Your story of “love pouring out” might inspire another and then another and then another….

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”

There are many who have moments during their grief journey where they think, “What is the use anyway?” or “I would just rather be with my loved one.” Over the years, I have had those type of comments said to me at times. Rarely has anyone said them, and they were seriously considering taking their own life. However, many of us feel so low as we miss our loved one that we deal with thoughts which we would never even consider at any other point in our lives.
If you are considering taking your own life, please reach out for help immediately. If, however, you are just in a low place and having a tough time “being here,” I have posted this song by Josh Groban as a form of encouragement. No matter what DON’T GIVE UP!

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

“Surviving the Holidays” by GriefShare

Soon, we at St. Joseph Hospice will be conducting our annual holiday seminar mini-series (Mon., Nov. 10, 6-7pm, “Handling the Holidays” and Mon., Dec. 8, 6-7pm, “Honoring the Memory of Your Loved One During the Holidays”), and if you are reading this blog, you are cordially invited to attend either or both. However, I also wanted to provide information about a bit more extensive seminar in our area. GriefShare, the Christian grief site which we have highlighted previously, conducts a 3-hour “Surviving the Holidays” event at multiple locations each year, below is the contact information for the one closest to New Orleans:

Northshore Church
310 Kensington Blvd
Slidell, LA
985-726-6178

Saturday, November 08, 2014
1:00 pm - 4:00 pm

Saturday, December 13, 2014
1:00 pm - 4:00 pm

You can follow the “Surviving the Holidays” link to read some of their featured articles.

“Dealing with Grief: Personal Pathways” by Dr. Kenneth Doka

Dealing with grief: Personal pathways from Canadian Virtual Hospice on Vimeo.

Making Teddy Bears Out of Your Loved One’s Clothing

As part of our October “Cherishing the Memories” seminar, I always talk about our “teddy bears.” There are many creative avenues for cherishing the memories of your loved one, and one which we have found to be especially effective is to use articles of your loved one’s clothing in the stitching together of teddy bears. The teddy bear pictures you see are of actual bears created for our patients’ children, using items of the patients’ clothing.

If you are a seamstress or know of someone who is and would like to use this idea, the Simplicity pattern you will need to buy will be 5461. Here are tutorials for how to assemble the head and the body sections and to complete the project.

If you are like me and would be at a total loss as to how to create one of these adorable bears, we have a volunteer who is willing to do the crafting for you. All you have to do is contact me (Kim) either via phone 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com and we will set up a time for you to drop off the articles of clothing, so that our volunteer can get started.

“But Not to Brothers and Sisters…We Live Outside the Touch of Time”

Thanks to one of our bereaved for sharing this beautiful quote with me, so that I could share it with you. Sentiments like this one help explain why sibling grief can be so complicated and more difficult than the outside world imagines. If this area is a challenging one for you, you might want to check out this resource provided by Compassionate Friends entitled “Adults Grieving the Death of a Sibling.” If you need any assistance, please feel free to call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or write me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com.

“How Long Will Grief Last” Living with Loss with Dr. Kenneth Doka

How Long Will Grief Last? Living With Loss from Canadian Virtual Hospice on Vimeo.

Cherishing the Memories: Making a Men’s Button-Down Shirt into a Keepsake Apron

A few months ago, I was blessed to receive a gift from one of our bereaved. She had taken one of her husband’s button-down shirts and turned it into an apron. What a wonderful idea!

Last evening when we were discussing the many ways we can “cherish the memories” of our loved ones, the apron project was mentioned, and I am in the process of adding the information to next year’s presentation. Yet, I surely didn’t want to wait a year to share this information, especially since many of you are looking for unique gifts for the upcoming holidays. What a thoughtful gift one of these aprons might make for your loved ones.

To the right you will see the apron which was presented to me and below is a video tutorial on the step by step process of turning the shirt into an apron.

Social Events for October 15, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, October 15, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, October 15, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

“In My Heart”

For our 2006 Memorial Service, I felt inspired to write a poem entitled “In My Heart.” I am going to share that poem with our blog world today, with a question for you to ponder as you read it: Who lives on in your heart?

IN MY HEART

In my heart he believes in me as no one has or will.

In my heart he listens to my cries and holds me still.

In my heart he whispers when I’m scared, “It will be okay.”

In my heart he waits for me in our old familiar spot each day.

 

In my heart she cheers me on when I’m ready to give up.

In my heart she gives me strength for the battles to come.

In my heart she is proud of the person I’ve become.

In my heart she forgives me for all the wrong I’ve done.

 

In my heart we walk side by side just soaking up the view.

In my heart we dance to an old familiar tune.

In my heart we talk and laugh for hours without end.

In my heart we are together forever…and ever..Amen. (KAS)

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

The “Death with Dignity” Debate Continues

Every few years, a story hits the mainstream media which brings the “Death with Dignity” debate back to forefront. Such a story surfaced this week with the choice of Brittany Maynard, a 29-year-old young lady with terminal brain cancer. Per her story from cnn.com, Brittany stated: “I quickly decided that death with dignity was the best option for me and my family.” In Brittany’s mind, “death with dignity” meant Oregon’s “legal” assisted suicide. Please read her complete story at http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/07/opinion/maynard-assisted-suicide-cancer-dignity/index.html before you continue reading.

Another portion of the article stood out to me: “I considered passing away in hospice care at my San Francisco Bay-area home. But even with palliative medication, I could develop potentially morphine-resistant pain and suffer personality changes and verbal, cognitive and motor loss of virtually any kind. Because the rest of my body is young and healthy, I am likely to physically hang on for a long time even though cancer is eating my mind. I probably would have suffered in hospice care for weeks or even months. And my family would have had to watch that.” My immediate thought is that her family would then have the opportunity to share the journey together and relish the moments of caring for the one they love.

I am not the only one who has felt moved to respond to this article, and I would like to share a response you may not see on CNN or any other mainstream media outlet, but it is one worth sharing. It is a response from someone else who is battling a terminal diagnosis herself but has chosen a different path. Here is Kara Tippett’s letter to Brittany: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/10/dear-brittany-why-we-dont-have-to-be-so-afraid-of-dying-suffering-that-we-choose-suicide/

The “Death with Dignity” debate will continue and choices regarding hospice care for loved ones are made every day. If you would like to explore further some of the advantages of hospice care for your loved one or so that you might better understand what hospice offers, please watch the “Hospice- Something More” 15-minute video at http://hospicefoundation.org/End-of-Life-Support-and-Resources/Coping-with-Terminal-Illness/Hospice-Services .

“They Didn’t Forget They Died” (Perinatal Grief)

Until I found this excellent quote, I had never heard of “UnspokenGrief.com.” I decided to check it out, and I belief it is a resource worth investigating. Here is the mission statement for the organization: “to build and support a community of individuals and families who have been touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss. Working together to remove the stigma of perinatal grief by sharing our stories and increasing awareness of the lasting effects of perinatal loss.” (www.unspokengrief.com)

Although the sentiment below was written specifically about the death of a child, I believe it can be applied to how we deal with others who are dealing with the death of anyone they love. My favorite line is this: “What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived.” What an excellent reminder for all of us of the importance of remembering and speaking about those so loved and missed.

“Coping with the Aftermath of Suicide” by Drs. Doug & BJ Benson (Video from The Compassionate Friends)

 

Link to “The 8 Worst Things You Can Say to Someone Who Is Grieving” by Christy Heitger-Ewing

So many times over the years, I have had our bereaved comment about the “stupid things” people have said to them after the death of their loved one. When I happened upon this article, I just had to share:

The 8 Worst Things You Can Say to Someone Who Is Grieving by Christy Heitger-Ewing

The first 7 of them, I totally understand the reason they made the list. However, I have to admit I have said the 8th one many times, and I honestly am not sure exactly why it is on the list. If you have any insight as to why this might be considered offensive to someone, I would love to read your comments. You can either post them on this blog entry or you can e-mail me at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

“The Little Angel’s Foundation”

Sometimes you come across a story which just has to be shared. The story in the YouTube story below is one of those. After you have watched the information about “The Little Angel’s Foundation,” please continue reading.

I chose to post this information for two reasons. First, I want to get the word out about this option for parents who’ve had children die. I am blown away by the generosity of this carpenter and the ministry he has. Please help me in spreading the word to those who might have need of this service or know of those who do. Secondly, I think this story could be an inspiration for some of our bereaved who are struggling with a sense of purpose after a loved one’s dies. As you have heard from this carpenter, he struggled to find his purpose for many years. Isn’t it amazing to see what happened when his desire to make a difference and his passion for helping others was partnered with his God-given talent for carpentry which was matched with a need in the lives of grieving parents?

What about you? For what do you have a passion? What are your God-given talents? If your passion was matched with your talents, how could you make a difference? If you would like some assistance in thinking through your purpose, please call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.