“Death Ends a Life, Not a Relationship” (Mitch Albom, “Tuesdays with Morrie”).

There are movies which make us laugh and others which bring us to tears. Some scare us and others motivate us to achieve the impossible. Yet, rarely are there movies which change us…I mean really change us. “Tuesdays with Morrie” is one those rare movies. This TV movie was based on the book by the same title, which was written by Mitch Albom, in tribute to his former Brandeis University professor and mentor Morrie Schwartz.
Morrie is known for many of his witty quotes and here are just a few of those:

“When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
“When you're in bed, you're dead.”
“We must love one another or die.”

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” What are your thoughts regarding this statement? Each February and August, we have a 4-session support group for our St. Joseph Hospice bereaved. During our 4th session, we have discussed Dr. William Worden’s 4th Task of Mourning “Emotionally Relocating the Deceased…” (“Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, 3rd Edition”—updated “To Find an Enduring Connection With the Deceased” in the 4th Edition). I tell participants that in the early days of grief counseling, it was thought that the goal of the grief process was to disconnect from the deceased loved one. First of all, that was an impossibility. Secondly, therapists realized that even if that disconnection was possible, this would not be a healthy manner to deal with a loved one’s death.
So, it would surely appear that Morrie was correct in his assessment—loved one’s die but relationships live on. In your experiences, how have you continued relationships with your loved ones who are gone? How much does their influence affect you even now?

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, May 12: “What Makes My Grief Journey Unique?”

This seminar has been designed to give an overview of some of the basic factors which make each person’s grief experience unique to him or her, such as his relationship with the person who died or her own personality. You may have heard the phrase: “I know how you feel.” Yet, no one can truly know how you feel, because your journey is unique to you. Understanding the factors which affect your journey may help you navigate.

When?—May 12 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

“Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, All You’ve Got to Do Is Call and I’ll Be There. You’ve Got a Friend.”

No matter what your preferred musical genre, I can’t imagine that anyone reading this blog will not recognize the words above to be from James Taylor & Carole King’s classic song, “You’ve Got a Friend.” With almost 6 million views of Taylor’s 1971 performance of this song, I think it is safe to say that this song has struck a chord in the hearts of many of us.

Although friendship means something different to each of us, our relationships with friends are of importance to all of us, and to many, an essential part of our support system. So, just what happens when you experience what has been termed “Friendloss”? Although we may “lose” friends by means of interpersonal conflicts or emotional distance, for the purpose of this blog post, we will be focusing on the “Friendloss” we experience due to the physical death of a friend.

The death of a close friend presents some unique challenges that other losses may not. In Carol Luebering’s “Grieving the Loss of a Good Friend” she explores these challenges. “When your friend died, it was the friend’s family who received the cards, the casseroles, the condolence notes. The family occupied the front rows at the funeral, leaving the rest of the church to everyone else. Your employer would have given you time off to bury a family member, but you probably went to your friend’s funeral on your own time. No one will call to ask how you’re doing a few weeks after the death or invite you over for the holidays the first year. If you produce a sudden flood of tears, they will be met by an awkward silence from others.”

Because the death of a friend is such a unique loss and one that is rarely supported adequately in our culture, you may need to reach out for support through new avenues. Please know that you can find support through the St. Joseph Hospice Bereavement Program. Our support groups, seminars and memorial services are open to friends of our St. Joseph patients, as well as our individual and counseling in groups (whether those groups be made up of family members and/or friends). You DO NOT have to walk this grief journey all alone!

“SEE You in a Little While”

Songwriters who have experienced deep loss and choose to process their grief by pouring out their hearts in song change the world for those of us who do not have that same gift. Some of you may have heard of Christian music recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman and his family’s very public struggle with the death of their youngest daughter Maria a few years ago. In the future, I may share more of their story, including the significance of “SEE” to this particular family. Yet, for now, I want to just share this uplifting song from Chapman’s latest project “Glorious Unfolding,” as well as the story behind the song as told by the songwriter himself.

“SEE You in a Little While”

Steven Curtis Chapman

I hold your hand and watch as the sun slowly fades
Far in the distance the Father is calling your name
And it’s time for you to go home
And everything in me wants to hold on
But I’m letting you go with this goodbye kiss and this promise

(CHORUS)
I’ll see you in a little while
I’ll see you in a little while
It won’t be too long now
We’ll see it on the other side
The wait was only the blink of an eye
So I’m not gonna say goodbye
‘Cause I’ll see you in a little while

And just one more thing before I let you go
Please tell my little girl I love her
Though I’m sure she already knows
And ask the Father to please tell the Son
That we’re ready and waiting for Him to come

(CHORUS)

Maybe you’ll teach me all the songs they sing in heaven
Maybe you’ll show me how you can fly
And I’ll hear you laugh again
And we won’t remember when
We were not together and this time it’s forever

(CHORUS)
I’m gonna see you in a little while

Source: http://www.newreleasetuesday.com/lyricsdetail.php?lyrics_id=83990

See below the story behind the song.

“Prayer When One Has to ‘Begin Again’”

I just looked up and noticed a “prayer” that I have had hanging in our bereavement office for the last few years and thought it might be time to share it. The author is unknown.

 

PRAYER WHEN ONE HAS TO ‘BEGIN AGAIN’

Dear Lord, lift me up. Help me to know that I am ready for the steps that are now mine to take, that I am clothed safely round with Your infinite love and wisdom. Fill my mind with Your peace, my heart with Your reassurance.

 I offer up my fears, my doubts, my feelings of insecurity. I loose them and let them go in the sure faith that you are with me every step of my life’s journey. In this quiet hour, I choose to lean on Your everlasting arms.

Even now, in this moment of release, I hear You speak to me in the depths of my innermost being: “I am here; I am with you; I will help you. I have filled you with strength and courage and overcoming power. Know that I am with you, trust in Me to be with you”.

Author Unknown

The Sunrise After the Darkness

Recently I read an amazing article in “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery-101 Inspirational and Comforting Stories about Surviving the Loss of a Loved One,” and I was especially struck by the last line: “Sometimes, before we can find the sunrise, we must find courage to walk into the darkness” (Sandra E. Maddox, p.65). I was reminded of just how many times each year I say to our bereaved, “the best way to deal with the emotional pain which comes as a result of any loss is to go through it. You can try to go over it, under it, or even try to run from it, but eventually, you will still have to go through it in order to get to the other side.”
In our recent support group session #2, we discussed many ways that we as grievers attempt to bypass what Dr. William Worden’s has indicated as his 2nd Task of Mourning, “Working through the Pain of Grief.”

• Attempted avoidance of remembrances of your loved one (i.e., removing pictures, refusing to speak his name, avoiding places which remind you of past events or of your life with her, cancelling holiday celebrations);
• Self-medicating by the use of chemical substances, such as alcohol or drugs, either prescribed or non-prescribed;
• Jumping into an emotionally charged relationship in order to fill the void left by your loved one’s leaving;
• Keeping “busy,” in order to avoid the moments of solitude which bring about reflection;
• Focusing on one specific emotion in the grief process, such as anger at God, doctors, or yourself, in attempt to avoid dealing with the pain from the separation.
• _______________________________ (you can fill in the blank with your avoidance avenues).

Years ago I met a young lady who was one of the prime examples of avoidance I have ever encountered. For the first 2 years after her husband’s death, she self-medicated with alcohol. When she “awoke” and looked around, she found that all of her husband’s personal items were just as he left them. She also found that the ache in her heart was no less than in the beginning, and she made a choice at that point—to walk into the darkness in hopes that she would eventually find her way through. Because this was over 2 years after the death, any social and family support she would have had in the beginning had long moved on to their own lives, so she had to reach out for professional support. I will not say that her journey through the darkness was easy, but I will say that she eventually did see a sunrise and was able to embrace life again.
As you may have seen in others or as you may have yourself experienced, attempts at avoidance of the darkness of the thoughts and emotions of grief work only for a season.  If you want to ever see the sunrise and embrace life again, you must be willing to walk into and through the darkness. If you have any questions, comments, or need any assistance, please don’t hesitate to call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140.

Sources:
“Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery-101 Inspirational and Comforting Stories about Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.”
Worden, J. William. “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (3rd Edition). Springer Publishing Company: New York. 2002.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

June Memorial Service Invitations Have Been Mailed

The invitations to our June 14, 2014 Memorial Service were mailed last week to all families whose loved ones died between October 1, 2013 to March 31, 2014. If you have not received your invitation yet, or if you need an extra one mailed to you, please call Kim at 504-734-0140 or send e-mail to stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

“There Are Some Times in Life When You Fall Down and You Don’t Feel Like You Have the Strength to Get Back Up” (Nick Vujicic).

“I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself” (Walter Anderson).

Over the years I have been privileged to meet and hear individuals who have encountered great loss, and yet have persevered, choosing to rise above the pain and to treasure the life they have as a precious gift. One of the more inspiring stories I know of is that of Nick Vujicic. Nick was born about 30 years ago without arms or legs and his family was given no medical reason for his condition. Can you just imagine the challenges a condition such as this would present, not only to Nick but to those who love him? If anyone has been challenged with the thought, “Well, why even try?”--someone with this condition would have that challenge. Nick came to that point at age 8, when he was tempted to end his own life. How could one possibly live a “normal” life without arms or legs?

Well, as you watch the video below, you are going to see that Nick’s life is far from “normal,” but instead of being “less than normal,” instead it is extraordinary. He refused, at an early age, to focus on what he did not have and chose to focus on what he did have…his life. Nick is the head of a worldwide organization called “Life without Limbs,” a Christian ministry through which Nick spreads “hope and genuine love” “to people all over the globe” (Life Without Limbs).

Might you consider Nick’s example of tremendous courage and decide today to speak and live out these words: “I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself” (Walter Anderson)?

Social Events on Wednesday, April 16, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, April 16, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, April 16, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 155, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office