How Do You Handle Unsolicited “You Shoulds”?

Each February I present a seminar on the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights,” based on the work of Dr. Alan Wolfelt. The first of those is: “You have the right to experience your own unique grief.” The graphic to the left reminded me of that right. I often hear our bereaved talk about the unsolicited advice they receive from others, including friends, family and strangers.
Let’s see if any of these “You Shoulds” sound familiar to you:

• “You should stay busy.”
• “You should put away all of his pictures.”
• “You should get away for the holidays.”
• “You should start dating.”
• “You shouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t want you to cry.”
• “You should ‘get over it’ and ‘get on with your life.’”
• “You should avoid all the places which remind you of him.”
• “You should never be alone.”

If that list is not enough to stimulate your mind, how about the most unspoken but clearly communicated “You Should”: “You should hand the keys of your life over to me and let me be in charged.” Rarely, if ever, would anyone say that sentence out loud, but how often have you felt as though that was the implied meaning of the “You Should” statements.
How about we replace all of those “You Shoulds” with the one and only “You Should” that really works: “You should take care of yourself.” Only you know your heart and the pain contained within. As a result, only you know the next step on your grief journey, and the pace you need to travel. This does not mean you have to walk your grief journey all alone, but you do need to be selective as to those you allow to walk beside you.
In my office, I have wallet-size cards of the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” Just zip me an e-mail (stjosephnober@yahoo.com) with your request and your mailing address, and I will send you a copy.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.