“You Have the Right to Experience Your Own Unique Grief.” (Dr. Alan Wolfelt)

Last Monday we had our annual “Mourner’s Bill of Rights” seminar, using the information from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s “Understanding Your Grief” as a starting point. I also gave out some pocket cards which highlight 12 “Rights.” (If you would like one or more of those cards, please e-mail your request to me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com) The first of those is: “You have the right to experience your own unique grief.” On May 11, we will have our annual “What Makes My Grief Journey Unique?” seminar, in which we will examine some specifics as to why your grief journey looks different than the journey of others and also why your grief journey after the death of one loved one might look totally different than your journey after the death of another.

One of the complaints I often hear from our bereaved goes something like this: So & so tries to tell me how I should feel and how I should or shouldn’t deal with my grief. When I hear of this, I often refer to the analogy of the Monday Morning Quarterback. I am writing this blog the afternoon after the SuperBowl and you can bet there are many “experts” today, standing around watercoolers, giving their opinions on what the Seattle Seahawk’s Head Coach should have done differently. I will admit, some of these opinions might have some validity. However, it is so much easier to make that call when you know what the outcome was of the choice(s) he made, and when you are not the one on the hot seat with millions worldwide watching. He is the only one who was in the moment and made the decision with the knowledge and perspective he had at that moment.

So, what does Monday Morning Quarterbacking have to do with your grief? Many, mostly well-meaning people, may feel they are experts on your grief. Some will offer their opinion based on the thought that “I’ve been where you are.” Really? How could that possibly be? Even if she had a loss with some similarities, it is impossible for her to have been “where you are.” The only expert on your grief is……YOU! Even someone like me, who has education in the process of grief (generic) and my own personal grief experiences, cannot claim to be an expert on YOUR grief. I may have an idea of the generic grief process and might know of some obstacles you might encounter, but only you can walk your journey. Someone can walk along side you and hold your hand, but you must choose the roads in your time and in your way.

If this blog has stimulated questions or if you need someone to walk alongside you for a season, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com or call me at 504-734-0140.

Copyright © 2015 by Kim Smith