“I Know How You Feel.” Really????

During our May seminar, we discussed some of the factors which make each of our grief journeys unique. Even if there were all other factors in common (which is impossible), the fact that you are a unique individual would immediately make your grief journey different than that of any other path.

Why does your grief look different than that of your co-worker? Sister? Neighbor? In Alan Wolfelt’s (Ph.D.) Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, he recognizes 12 different factors which make our grief journeys unique:

1. Your relationship with the person who died

2. The circumstances of the death

3. The ritual or funeral experience (i.e., funeral/memorial service/celebration of life vs. no service, “corrective emotional-spiritual experience”)

4. The people in your life

5. Your unique personality

6. The unique personality of the person who died

7. Your gender

8. Your cultural background (i.e., values, rules (spoken and unspoken), and traditions that guide you and your family)

9. Your religious or spiritual background

10. Other crises or stresses in your life right now (i.e., work, finances, others sick or dying or in need of assistance, children, elderly parents, other commitments, pregnancy, in the midst of a divorce)

11. Your experiences with loss and death in the past

12. Your physical health.

In our seminar, we examine each of those factors, along with the multiple subfactors, so that each participant is able to see why her grief journey differs from that of anyone else. So, the next time someone tries to tell you, “I know how you feel,” you may be better prepared to explain to them (tactfully) just why that is an impossibility.