Upcoming Seminar on Monday, June 9: “Seasons of Grief”

This seminar has been designed to guide participants as they look at a full calendar year and the myriad of events (i.e., anniversaries, birthdays, hurricane season, Mardi Gras, changes in weather, JazzFest, tax season) which may trigger emotions in the individual griever. When you can see the events coming and prepare a plan to deal with them, the events are often less painful or some of them can even become chances to make new memories, if handled in a thoughtful manner.

When?—June 9 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

Time Limit for Grief?

“After a Child Dies” (Video from The Compassionate Friends)

The Compassionate Friends: Supporting Family After a Child Dies

“I Know How You Feel.” Really????

During our May seminar, we discussed some of the factors which make each of our grief journeys unique. Even if there were all other factors in common (which is impossible), the fact that you are a unique individual would immediately make your grief journey different than that of any other path.

Why does your grief look different than that of your co-worker? Sister? Neighbor? In Alan Wolfelt’s (Ph.D.) Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, he recognizes 12 different factors which make our grief journeys unique:

1. Your relationship with the person who died

2. The circumstances of the death

3. The ritual or funeral experience (i.e., funeral/memorial service/celebration of life vs. no service, “corrective emotional-spiritual experience”)

4. The people in your life

5. Your unique personality

6. The unique personality of the person who died

7. Your gender

8. Your cultural background (i.e., values, rules (spoken and unspoken), and traditions that guide you and your family)

9. Your religious or spiritual background

10. Other crises or stresses in your life right now (i.e., work, finances, others sick or dying or in need of assistance, children, elderly parents, other commitments, pregnancy, in the midst of a divorce)

11. Your experiences with loss and death in the past

12. Your physical health.

In our seminar, we examine each of those factors, along with the multiple subfactors, so that each participant is able to see why her grief journey differs from that of anyone else. So, the next time someone tries to tell you, “I know how you feel,” you may be better prepared to explain to them (tactfully) just why that is an impossibility.

 

“Why Would I Ever Want to Attend a St. Joseph Hospice Memorial Service?”

With the RSVP’s for the June 14 Memorial Service due at the end of this week, I’m guessing more than a few of you are asking the question which is the title of this blog. A few years ago, I had an intern who attended our Northshore office’s Memorial Service with me. Since I knew this had been a new experience for her, I asked her opinion of the service. She responded that she enjoyed it, and I then asked why she thought that was. She explained that a SJH Memorial Service differs from a traditional funeral, because there is not a body or an urn to focus on. Instead, when one attends this type of service, the attendee is able to truly celebrate the life of her loved one with much more clarity than during those initial days after a death.

From my perspective, our memorial services have given me some of the most rewarding experiences I have had at St. Joseph Hospice. Each time, I watch family and friends walk into the service with a look of anxious anticipation on their faces. As the service progresses, I see many reaching for tissue to dry the tears which leak from their eyes. We provide a participatory ritual during each service, with the June ritual being the decorating of our Memorial Wreath. After each participant comes forward to place her flower in the precise spot of her choosing, it appears that an emotional weight is lifted in the process of placing the flower. By the time the service ends, the room appears to be a totally different place than it was in the beginning. The participants are “lighter,” laughing, joking, and reminiscing as they leave for the reception. 

If you have any questions about the service or about how to RSVP, please call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

Mother’s Day Edition: Life Lessons (2014 Posting)

“Honor the life lessons you learned from your mother.”

(From Grieving the Death of a Mother by Harold Ivan Smith)

What better way could you honor the memory of your mother this Mother’s Day than to reflect upon the lessons you learned from her and to put one or more of them into practice?

Lesson Learned: _____________________________________________________

How I Will Begin Applying This Lesson: __________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

“Memories are a legacy…”

“Memories are a legacy
of hope and courage,
left to help us go on
when the giver is gone.
Sascha From WINTERSUN

Mother’s Day Edition: Might Forgiveness Be A Good Gift? (2014 Posting)

Even the best relationships between mothers and their children have moments of “I wish I’d said” or “I wish I hadn’t done.” Those moments are on both the parental and the child side of the relationship.

One of the biggest hurdles in the grief process is unforgiveness. The unforgiveness could be something you hold against your mother, something for which you feel you didn’t receive her forgiveness, or forgiveness you are withholding from yourself. Might this Mother’s Day be a good day to give the gift of forgiveness?

What Do You Do When You Are Hit with a “One-Two Punch”?

I have often said, “I sure wish that our families could have a break from other losses, so that they could deal with only one loss at a time.” However, sadly, often the moratorium on further loss does not take affect and our families are hit with a “one-two punch” of loss. Too many times I have attended the visitation for a mother and then for a father in just a few weeks time. Or maybe one of the deaths is “anticipated,” such as one due to a long illness, but then the other death comes as a result of an auto accident, a house fire, or even suicide.
I have always had a special compassion for those who are dealing with multiple losses, but when this happened in my own family, I received a much greater appreciation of the difficulty in attempting to process multiple losses at one time. Twice in about 30 days time, I sat in the same funeral home, facing the same family members with just the choice of seats rearranged, and spoke to those who were as shell-shocked as I was. After returning to my “normal” life, I found myself especially anxious, expecting to receive a follow-up to the “one-two punch” with maybe another uppercut the next month. I have to tell you that this experience was more than unnerving.
After one overcomes the anxiety that there will be another punch coming her way, then she has to deal with the question of “how does one work through the grief of multiple losses at one time?” Good question. As with most questions regarding grief, there is never a one size fits all answer. I can only speak from my own personal experiences and also my experiences with those who have encountered multiple losses. My advise is to deal with your grief just as you would with a single loss—whatever person or issue that is pressing most strongly against your mind and heart, focus on that person or issue. With multiple losses, you may find that you will deal with issues regarding to all in the same day or you may be singularly focused on a particular person or issue to the exclusion of the others for a season of time. Our head and heart has an innate way of revealing the pain we need to deal with next—trust yourself and your instincts.
Maybe this analogy could be helpful. Grief is often referred to as a journey. Imagine you are hiking a mountainous trail. On that trail, you will face many challenges, both physical and mental/emotional (i.e., trees in the path, “I can’t do this,” extremely steep slope, “this cannot possibly be worth all this effort,” places which are hard to find traction, “what happens if I run into a wild animal?”, “I could really hurt myself if I keep going,” exhaustion). It would be crazy to think that no matter how determined you are to group obstacles into categories, such as physical and emotional, that you could deal with them by placing them all in a neat package and handling them all at one time. No, you take the challenges one by one, as you come upon them, and do the best you can to resolve them before you take on another one.
So, if you have encountered multiple losses, my heart goes out to you. Be patient with yourself and your loved ones especially during this time. If you would like to receive the CareNote “Feeling Overwhelmed When One Loss Follows Another,” please just contact me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Social Event for Thursday, May 15, 2014: “Haven of Hope” for Adult Children

On Thursday, May 15, 2014, St. Joseph Hospice will host our “Haven of Hope” social event for the adult children of our St. Joseph Hospice patients. You are invited to attend this bi-monthly event, designed specifically to create a connection between the adult children of our St. Joseph Hospice patients. This is a social group, and NOT a support group, although you should feel a sense of support as a result of the social interaction.

For each meeting, we will provide a light meal (i.e., finger sandwiches w/dessert and coffee/tea/water). No registration needed.

For more information, please call Kim at (504) 734-0140 or contact via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

TIME: 6pm-7:30pm

LOCATION:

St. Joseph Hospice & Palliative Care

824 Elmwood Park Blvd. Ste. 155

New Orleans, LA 70123

“Whereever you are on this grief journey,…”

Social Events for Wednesday, May 21, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, May 21, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, May 21, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 155, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

Mother’s Day Edition: “How Am I Going to ‘Get Through’ Mother’s Day This Year?” (2014 Posting)

Mother’s Day is a special day in American culture...a day set aside to honor our mothers and/or those who have filled that mother-role in our lives. Traditionally, this is a day of celebration, but for many each year, the day is one more reminder that our earthly mothers are no longer with us.

Just like the other “special” days in the calendar year, I strongly suggest that you make a plan for how you will spend this Mother’s Day. The following ideas are just a few of many found in Harold Ivan Smith’s Grieving the Death of a Mother (Note: These ideas could also be adapted & used for other “special” days.)

– Donate to a worthy cause in honor of your mother (i.e., If your mother was a teacher, you might choose to establish a scholarship for someone pursuing a teaching degree.)

– Do a mitzvah, or good deed, in honor of your mother (i.e., Buy or make something from scratch and give to someone who would appreciate it.)

– Write a poem or a song about your mother. Consider using this sentence to get you started: “I never realized that my mother could…”

– Refinish a piece of your mother’s furniture (Either for you or to give as a gift to someone dear to your mother.)

– Become a companion to someone who is also experiencing motherloss. (You may feel as though you are the only one going through this kind of pain, but I can assure you, there are many who can relate and wouldappreciate a companion on their grief journey.)

– Cook your mother’s favorite recipes. Make copies of the recipes or even put together a recipe book, so that the recipes can be passed on to future generations.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful, but if you feel that you or someone you care about needs additional support, has questions about what he/she is experiencing, or would like information about services available to him/her, please don’t hesitate to call me at (504) 734-0140 or e-mail me at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.