“Siblings Grieve Too” by Dr. Heidi Horsley & Dr. Gloria Horsley (The Compassionate Friends Webinar)

Upcoming Seminar on Monday, July 14: “Griefbursts: What They Are and How to Deal With Them”

This seminar has been designed to explain the phenomena of “griefbursts” or “grief attacks.” They are sudden, sharp feelings of grief that can cause anxiety and pain, which may seem to come out of nowhere. Griefbursts are a normal, yet disconcerting, part of the grief process. We will discuss how to recognize them, but even more about how to deal with them when they occur.

When?—July 14 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

Pouring Out Grief through Music—“Cryin’ for Me (Wayman’s Song)” by Toby Keith

Many times “grief” and “mourning” are terms which are used interchangeably, but they represent very different things. As defined by Alan Wolfelt, PhD in his “Understanding Your Grief” book:

• “Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Think of grief as the container. It holds all of your thoughts, feelings, and images of your experience when you are bereaved. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.
• Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside of yourself. Another way of defining is ‘grief gone public’ or ‘the outward expression of grief.’ Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music, and celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died are just a few examples of mourning.” (p.22)

One of the ways some pour out their grief is through music, whether it be the singing of songs, listening to songs, or writing of songs. One of my favorite examples of this is “Cryin’ for Me (Wayman’s Song)” by country music artist Toby Keith. I have provided the lyrics below, as well as the VEVO video. One of the benefits of pouring out one’s grief through writing and recording of songs is that you open up the door for another to pour out her grief in response to your writing.  

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

"Cryin' For Me (Wayman's Song)"

Got the news on Friday morning
But a tear I couldn't find
You showed me how I am supposed to live
Now you showed me how to die

I was lost til Sunday morning
I woke up to face my fear
While writing you this good bye song I found a tear

(CHORUS)
I'm going to miss that smile
I'm going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
Cause that's right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin' for me

I got up and dialed your number
Your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I have heard a thousand times
It just said, “Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and God bless”
I know that you think I am crazy
But I just had to hear your voice I guess

(CHORUS)

Oh
So play your upsidedown, left-handed
Backward bass guitar
I'll see you on the other side superstar

(CHORUS)

Oh
I'm still cryin'

Obtained online on 4/1/14 at http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tobykeith/cryinformewaymanssong.html

“Do You Have a Plan for Your Special Days?”

Our June seminar topic was “Seasons of Grief,” which is our annual look at how to deal with the specific reminders on the calendar of your loved one’s death. As a participatory exercise, each participant completed a set of calendars, noting which dates she anticipates being especially difficult to deal with emotionally (i.e., birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, special days unique to each individual, anniversary of a loved one’s death).
Anyone who has ever heard me speak regarding the holidays or other special days has heard me talk about making a plan for those days. Well, what does it look like to make a plan for your special days? The very first example which came to mind was a unique plan one of our bereaved executed years ago. *Joe had been an avid fisherman and he had a particular spot on the river where he liked to go and fish. When his widow was thinking about what to do for his birthday, she came up with an ingenious idea. She planned a dinner at his riverbank spot. She transported tables and chairs to the location, so that she and her family could celebrate his birthday in his favorite place. What an incredible memory they made, as they reminisced together and helped each other through the special day.

What did your loved one like to do (i.e., hike, go to the museum, hang out in the Quarter, go to the movies, host a crawfish boil)? Did she have a favorite restaurant or hangout? Did he have a special cause which was close to his heart? Is there anyone you could reach out to on the day who would also be missing your loved one? You can use these questions and many more to stimulate your mind to come up with a plan which would best fit the particular occasion. If you need further suggestions, feel free to contact me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.

*Names changed for confidentiality reasons.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Link to Article “Making Peace with Dad This Father's Day” by Cindi McMenamin

Link to Article “Making Peace with Dad This Father's Day” by Cindi McMenamin, published on Crosswalk.com

June 2014 Memorial Service Recap

On Saturday, June 14, 2014, we held our Semi-Annual Memorial Service at Grace Lutheran Evangelical Church (5800 Canal Blvd., NOLA). Included in the program for this service were:

• Words of Inspiration & Presentation of Certificate to Grace Lutheran Retiring Pastor Leon Philpot

• Scripture Reading

• Congregational Songs led by our St. Joseph Hospice Friends & Family Ensemble

• Responsive Reading

• Candlelighting Ritual

• Preparation of our Memorial Wreath

• Mizpah Butterfly and Closing Remarks

Sometimes It Is Helpful to “Just Cry”

I happened upon this song last week and thought just how appropriate it is for the grief process. I see and talk with people every week who are trying to put on a brave face and “be strong,” when at the same time, they are imploding because of the strength of the emotion they are trying to hold inside. So, I have provided the “story behind the song,” the lyrics, and then the recording itself for you to hear.

“JUST CRY” BY MANDISA

Why you gotta act so strong?

Go ahead and take off your brave face

Why you telling me that nothing's wrong

It's obvious your not in a good place

Who's telling you to keep it all inside

And never let those feelings

Get past the corner of your eye

 

(CHORUS)

You don't need to run

You don't need to speak

Baby take some time

Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It maybe tomorrow

You'll be past the sorrow

But tonight it's alright

Just cry

 

I know you know your Sunday songs

A dozen verses by memory

Yeah they're good but life is hard

And days get long

You gotta know God can handle your honesty

So feel the things your feeling

Name your fears and doubts

Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger

Let it out, let it out

(CHORUS)

Just cry

 

It doesn't mean you don't trust him

It doesn't mean you don't believe

It doesn't mean you don't know

He's redeeming everything.

You don't need to run

You don't need to speak

Baby take some time

Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It maybe tomorrow

You'll be past the sorrow

But tonight it's alright

But tonight it's alright

Just cry

Why you gotta act so strong

Go ahead and take off your brave face

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mandisa/justcry.html

Father’s Day Edition: Lessons Learned (2014 Posting)

“My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~

Clarence Budington Kelland

You’ve probably heard it said that “lessons are better caught than taught.” What lessons did you “catch” from your father and how could you put one or more of those lessons into practice this Father’s Day?

Lesson Learned: ___________________________________________________________________

How I Will Begin Applying This Lesson: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Map to Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church for Tomorrow’s June 14 Memorial Service

Our semi-annual Memorial Service will be tomorrow at Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church at 5800 Canal Blvd., NOLA. Map below:

Father’s Day Edition: Some Resources for Dealing with Fatherloss (2014 Posting)

FOR SONS:

• FatherLoss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads by Neil Chetnik
• When Your Father Dies: How a Man Deals with the Loss of His Father by Dave Veerman & Bruce Barton

FOR DAUGHTERS:

• Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads by Clea Simon

"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother"

Many of us have probably heard the old song “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother” by The Hollies. Although the grammar is not the greatest, many can relate to the sentiment contained within. There is just something special about the relationship between siblings.
As I have spent some time researching "sibling grief" for the purpose of writing this article, I have realized that this particular loss is one of the least researched and least written about losses of all (Rando, p. 153). Note what author T. J. Wray discovered after her brother's death: "For while I located countless books, articles, and self-help tapes intended to help the bereaved in coping with the death of a parent, spouse or child (and, much to my surprise, even uncovered a wealth of information dealing with the subject of pet loss), I was amazed to find that there was virtually nothing written on the subject of adult sibling grief" (Wray, p.3)
Due to this lack of emphasis on this difficult loss, I am going to make an extra effort to make sure that the topic is addressed on this blog. For instance, on June 30, 2014, a webinar from The Compassionate Friends will be featured entitled "Siblings Grieve Too." There will also be multiple blog posts addressing this specific loss. Feel free to share this blog address with others who might benefit from the information: http://stjosephnober.blogspot.com.
For this post, we are going to briefly discuss just what it is that makes sibling grief so challenging.  Some of the characteristics which may be a part of a sibling bond may include:

• This may be the longest relationship of your life.
• You may experience more life events and changes with them than with anyone else, whether pleasant or difficult.
• There is a special bond as a result of being genetically related, but also part of the same family culture (http://siblingsurvivors.com/sibling-grief/).

“What is important to remember is that sibling relationships are often marked by attachment as well as antagonism, caring as well as competition, and loyalty as well as lingering resentment” (Rando, p.154)” Your sibling may be your greatest ally one moment and your strongest competitor the next. He may “pick on you” himself and also defend you  with all his being from those who try to harm you. This type of hot and cold relationship can add to challenges in your grief process, especially when it comes to regrets.
If some of this blog has resonated with you, and you feel you could benefit from speaking with someone about what you are dealing with, please call me (Kim) at 504-734-0140 or contact via e-mail at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.
 
Sources:
Rando, Therese A. "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies." Lexington Books: Lexington, MA, 1988.
Wray, T. J. "Surviving the Death of a Sibling." Three Rivers Press: New York, 2003.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith

Social Events for Wednesday, June 18, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, June 18, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, June 18, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 155, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office

Father’s Day Edition: “What Can I Do to Honor My Dad’s Memory This Father’s Day?” (2014 Posting)

Father’s Day is a special day in American culture...a day set aside to honor our fathers and/or those who have filled that father-role in our lives. Traditionally, this is a day of celebration, but for many each year, the day is one more reminder that our earthly fathers are no longer with us.

Just like the other “special” days in the calendar year, please consider making a plan for how you will spend this Father’s Day. The following ideas were part of an article on Neil Chetnik’s (author of FatherLoss: How Sons Deal with the Deaths of Their Dads) website, www.fatherloss.com. (Note: These ideas could also be adapted & used for other “special” days.)

• Be a mentor to a child whose father has died or who has no father in his life.
• Write a Father's Day card focusing on the things that you loved or appreciated about your dad.
• Wear an article of your father's clothing.
• If your father loved music, spend an hour listening to his favorite album.
• If your dad loved wood-working, use his saws, hammer and wood to build something simple or begin a new project.
• Cook your father's favorite meal for your family or friends.
• Read one of the books that your father loved.
• Donate some money to your father's favorite cause.
• Contact a current father-figure in your life whom you admire and tell him so.
• If you are a father, focus on being the best father you can be to your children.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful, but if you feel that you or someone you care about needs additional support, has questions about what he/she is experiencing, or would like information about services available to him/her, please don’t hesitate to call me at (504) 734-0140 or e-mail Kim at stjosephnober@yahoo.com.