This seminar has been designed to give participants practical ideas to help them deal with the death of their loved one and to assist in the healing process. One of the books from Alan D. Wolfelt’s (Ph.D.) Healing series, Healing Your Grieving Heart, will be the primary resource for this particular seminar.One of my favorite TV shows is called “Heartland.” During the last episode, there were “flashbacks” to parts of previous episodes. In the flashbacks, one of the 
lead characters, Jack, was engaged in different conversations with someone he was now missing from his life. When she came to his mind, you would see his thoughts wandering into different corridors, visiting moments he has stored as important, and now journeying back down those to “meet” with her again.
As grievers, we do the same. Something will trigger a thought of our loved one and we may venture down our own mental corridors, flashing from one memory to another, getting lost for a moment in what was. As we take those mental journeys, we may feel the trickle of a tear rolling down our cheek. We may never meet again with our loved one in this life, but that does not mean we cannot take time to meet with them in corridors of our memories and be thankful for the moments we were blessed to have. Tears are portals for the pain to pour out through….let ‘em flow.
Copyright © 2015 by Kim Smith
Last Monday we had our annual “Mourner’s Bill of Rights” seminar, using the information from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s “Understanding Your Grief” as a starting point. I also gave out some pocket cards which highlight 12 “Rights.” (If you would like one or more of those cards, please e-mail your request to me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com) The first of those is: “You have the right to experience your own unique grief.” On May 11, we will have our annual “What Makes My Grief Journey Unique?” seminar, in which we will examine some specifics as to why your grief journey looks different than the journey of others and also why your grief journey after the death of one loved one might look totally different than your journey after the death of another.
One of the complaints I often hear from our bereaved goes something like this: So & so tries to tell me how I should feel and how I should or shouldn’t deal with my grief. When I hear of this, I often refer to the analogy of the Monday Morning Quarterback. I am writing this blog the afternoon after the SuperBowl and you can bet there are many “experts” today, standing around watercoolers, giving their opinions on what the Seattle Seahawk’s Head Coach should have done differently. I will admit, some of these opinions might have some validity. However, it is so much easier to make that call when you know what the outcome was of the choice(s) he made, and when you are not the one on the hot seat with millions worldwide watching. He is the only one who was in the moment and made the decision with the knowledge and perspective he had at that moment.
So, what does Monday Morning Quarterbacking have to do with your grief? Many, mostly well-meaning people, may feel they are experts on your grief. Some will offer their opinion based on the thought that “I’ve been where you are.” Really? How could that possibly be? Even if she had a loss with some similarities, it is impossible for her to have been “where you are.” The only expert on your grief is……YOU! Even someone like me, who has education in the process of grief (generic) and my own personal grief experiences, cannot claim to be an expert on YOUR grief. I may have an idea of the generic grief process and might know of some obstacles you might encounter, but only you can walk your journey. Someone can walk along side you and hold your hand, but you must choose the roads in your time and in your way.
If this blog has stimulated questions or if you need someone to walk alongside you for a season, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me at ksmith@stjosephhospice.com or call me at 504-734-0140.
Copyright © 2015 by Kim Smith
During my recent Bereavement Coordinator’s Conference, I was introduced the song “In This Room” by Leslie Tucker. When I went online to find a YouTube video for the song, I ran across this very specific tribute to the relationship of Ronald & Nancy Reagan. I am posting this today in honor of President Reagan’s birthday.
What “room” most reminds you of your loved one? For spouses, the “room” might be the bedroom, the private room which belonged to you and your spouse only. If it was your child who died, their particular bedroom might be the place you either feel closest to them or be the place which stirs the most emotions, at least for this season. Maybe it is the dining room or breakfast nook, where you would have life conversations over coffee or a glass of wine. Possibly your loved one loved to tinker with cars and the garage is the “room.” One of my relatives was a craftsman, and his woodshop is the “room” for me.
Wherever the “room” is for you, I believe this song will touch your heart. The lyrics are absolutely amazing, but my favorite section is this one:
In this room
I can recall
the dreams you shared with me
and it felt like a castle
now it feels more like a tomb
Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/leslie-tucker-lyrics-in-this-room-leslie-tucker-g97j32g#ixzz3Qspdl4iz LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community
Shortly after the death of Ronald Reagan in June 2004, at the end of one his programs, Larry King presented a beautiful video tribute to the relationship of Ron and Nancy Reagan. During the video montage, the song "In This Room" by Leslie Tucker was sung by Larry King's wife, Shawn Southwick-King.
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The participants of our groups here at St. Joseph know there are at least two sentences which will get me on my soapbox when it comes to protecting our bereaved. The first is when someone says to one of them, “I know how you feel.” I will just answer, “That is IMPOSSIBLE!” and refrain from a further tangent, but maybe some time soon I will pursue that topic in a blog entry. The second is the phrase, “You should be over it by now.” So when I saw this beautiful writing from The Compassionate Friends organization, I knew I needed to post.
I have an incredibly well-written and heartfelt poem in my file cabinet entitled, “You Should Be Over ‘It’,” written by Sharon White and published in Bereavement Magazine July/August 2003. You can read the entire text at this link: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/911-you-should-be-over-it/ My suggestion is that you might want to write your own stanzas of “its” and share with someone you trust…or share in the comments belong for all to benefit from.
