Upcoming Seminar on Monday, September 8: “Complicated Mourning”

This seminar has been designed to address the topic of complicated mourning. What are the factors predictive of complicated mourning? Is there anything you can do to keep mourning from becoming “complicated?” If so, what might that be? How do you determine whether what you are experiencing is a normal part of the grief process or something that might need some therapeutic intervention.

When?—September 8 from 6pm-7pm

Where?--LCCU Conference Room (#140) Louisiana Central Credit Union Building at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd.

“I’m Afraid to Say His Name….”

Although the writing from Ms. Edwards is specifically about a child, I often hear this same sentiment, no matter what the positional relationship might be with the loved one. I have no idea just how many times I have heard one of our bereaved explain how it seems everyone in their life has forgotten their loved one, because no one mentions his name anymore. I have reminded many of them it may not be their loved one has been forgotten at all, but it is more likely those around them try not to say his name, because they are afraid they will “upset” them. Even though I do what I do for a living and should know better, I still have the same anxiety when it comes to those in my personal life. I try to be intentional about overcoming the anxiety and speaking the name, but it takes the intentional effort.
So, if you have noticed a tendency by those around you not to use your loved one’s name, then why don’t you be more intentional about bringing his name up in a conversation, and see how others respond? Every situation is unique, but in many cases, you will see a look of relief on the faces of others when they realize it is “okay” to talk about him in front of you.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.

How Do You Handle Unsolicited “You Shoulds”?

Each February I present a seminar on the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights,” based on the work of Dr. Alan Wolfelt. The first of those is: “You have the right to experience your own unique grief.” The graphic to the left reminded me of that right. I often hear our bereaved talk about the unsolicited advice they receive from others, including friends, family and strangers.
Let’s see if any of these “You Shoulds” sound familiar to you:

• “You should stay busy.”
• “You should put away all of his pictures.”
• “You should get away for the holidays.”
• “You should start dating.”
• “You shouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t want you to cry.”
• “You should ‘get over it’ and ‘get on with your life.’”
• “You should avoid all the places which remind you of him.”
• “You should never be alone.”

If that list is not enough to stimulate your mind, how about the most unspoken but clearly communicated “You Should”: “You should hand the keys of your life over to me and let me be in charged.” Rarely, if ever, would anyone say that sentence out loud, but how often have you felt as though that was the implied meaning of the “You Should” statements.
How about we replace all of those “You Shoulds” with the one and only “You Should” that really works: “You should take care of yourself.” Only you know your heart and the pain contained within. As a result, only you know the next step on your grief journey, and the pace you need to travel. This does not mean you have to walk your grief journey all alone, but you do need to be selective as to those you allow to walk beside you.
In my office, I have wallet-size cards of the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” Just zip me an e-mail (stjosephnober@yahoo.com) with your request and your mailing address, and I will send you a copy.

Copyright © 2014 by Kim Smith.

“Teen Suicide Prevention” Video by the Mayo Clinic

“Dancing with the Angels” by Monk & Neagle

Someone at random today told me about this beautiful song. How have I never heard of it before? I was so touched by it, I have chosen to post immediately. Hope it might uplift someone today.

“Coping with Guilt During Bereavement” by Bob Baugher, PhD (Video by The Compassionate Friends)

Social Events for August 20, 2014

• “Heart2Heart Connections” for Widows – Wednesday, August 20, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., NOLA, LCCU Conference Room #140
• “Coffee & Handshakes” for Widowers – Wednesday, August 20, 2014, from 10am-11:30am at 824 Elmwood Park Blvd., Ste 145, NOLA, St. Joseph Bereavement Office